


Ineffable Disaster

by Ineffable_Nephy, JudeJube



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Beelzebub (Good Omens), Angel Crowley (Good Omens), Angst, Demon Aziraphale (Good Omens), Historical References, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-07
Updated: 2020-03-12
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:48:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22598851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ineffable_Nephy/pseuds/Ineffable_Nephy, https://archiveofourown.org/users/JudeJube/pseuds/JudeJube
Summary: An AU in which everything is reversed. Follows the plot of Good Omens for the most part, just, y'know...reversed. Cassiel, guardian angel of Eden, and Master Zira, the tempter of Eve, run into each other quite a bit throughout history, and although they have their differences, they must ultimately work together, along with a few unlikely allies, to stop the end of the world, all while keeping it a secret from their respective bosses. We'll see how well that turns out for them.
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Ineffable_Nephy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ineffable_Nephy/gifts).



It started, as it usually did, with a garden. The Garden, to be exact. 

Not much could rival it, honestly. It was a utopia, stunning and full of life, from the smallest of ants to the tallest of trees. It was breathtakingly beautiful, and an absolute honour for the angel, Cassiel, to guard it. Ever since She had created life on earth, he’d adored the plantlife, so vibrant and lovely, easy to enjoy on a sunny day. Granted it hadn’t existed for very long yet, but that didn’t mean he didn’t make the most of his time in it.

He knew he should have spent most of his time on the wall, actually guarding the Garden, but he was so drawn to the two newly formed humans and wildlife, that he found himself occupying his time with them. Besides, this was merely the beginning, there wasn’t really anything to guard against as of yet, and She hadn’t reprimanded him yet, so he assumed it was alright for now. 

Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, a certain demon had received orders of his own, and dutifully, made his way to the garden. Once he’d made it to the surface, he quickly disguised himself, transforming into a hawk and flying with ease into the Garden. He made sure to stay out of sight from the angel. He didn’t want to pick a fight with him just yet. He had more important work to do, after all.

He followed his orders to a T, with his own personal flare, of course. Everything was much more interesting when he did it in his own way. He found that she was alone, as Azazel had told him she would be, her male counterpart too busy with the angel to notice him flit by and land on a rock near her.

Eve seemed to take delight in his presence once he’d landed, likely thinking him just another animal of the Garden. She spoke to him, rambling on about small and unimportant things. He did his best to seem interested, listening to her chatter and hopping closer when it seemed she wanted to pet him. At one point, he even dared to start speaking to her. Rather than frighten her, it seemed to excite her further, and the two talked about everything and nothing, simply passing the time.

Eventually, however, the discussion turned to the large, seemingly untouched peach tree just a few feet away from them. 

“Seems a waste of such lovely looking fruit,” The demon, who had introduced himself as Zira, remarked, and Eve glanced at it, playing with some leaves idly as she thought it over.

“Yes, well, the angel said we mustn’t, it isn’t for us to eat. God said so,” she informed him, and the demon scoffed.

“God said don’t touch the peach tree in the middle of a Garden? What a silly rule. It should be up somewhere on a mountaintop or something, not here with all you lovely things.” She laughed a bit, moreso when he looked a bit ruffled. “What? It’s true. Those peaches look absolutely delicious. I don’t really see the harm in just trying one.”

“But we can’t,” Eve protested.

“Well, why not? Surely there must be a good reason they’ve given for it, then?” Zira asked. The pair went silent as Eve contemplated this.

“I’d get in so much trouble…” She trailed off, and Zira hopped closer. If a hawk could grin, he’d be grinning. 

“I won’t tell if you don’t,” he told her, and after a moment or two of debating, the human conceded, much to Zira’s satisfaction. “Just imagine how worth it it’ll be when you get to try it for the very first time,” He added as he hopped along behind her. “It’ll be the best thing you’ve ever tasted in your life, I’ll bet.” 

Eve stood, walking hesitantly over to where the tree stood, and stared up at it. 

“But...what if something bad happens…?” She trailed off, genuinely worried now. Zira rolled his eyes, a bit irritated by her hesitance.

“Oh come on, what’s the worst that could happen? You get told not to do it again? God moves the tree somewhere more sensible? Oh, the horror!” He said dramatically. Eve gave him a small smile, and finally relented. She got closer to the tree, inspecting the peaches, before picking one that looked the tastiest to her. She glanced at Zira again, who gestured with his wing for her to keep going. She stared at the peach again, before taking a big bite out of it. 

“Oh...that’s...delicious,” She said, surprised. Zira cawed, proud of himself. 

“Told you.”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam and the Guardian Angel of Eden, Cassiel, were sitting together in another part of the garden, under the shade of a tree. Cassiel watched the human curiously, letting his feet play in the water of a pond next to them. He watched as some ducks swam by, smiling as they went. Adam leaned against the trees, eyes closing as he enjoyed the breeze. 

“So, you both enjoy it here?” Cassiel asked, and Adam hummed. 

“What’s not to enjoy? It’s peaceful, we have all the food we could ask for, and we can spend as much time as we like enjoying each other’s company.”

“Mn, I suppose that’s true,” The angel agreed, catching a leaf as it fluttered down from the tree. He watched as a cat climbed up into it, chasing after a bird no doubt. 

“I wonder..Have you ever thought of what could be beyond the walls of the garden?” he asked. Adam stared at him for a long moment, incredulous at the question.

“Why would I ever do that? I have everything I need right here,” he said, and Cassiel flushed, embarrassed. 

“Er, right, I guess that was a silly question. Only demons ask things like that,” He muttered.

“Demons?”

“Don’t worry about it.” 

At that moment, a bright light encompassed the garden. Adam and Cassiel shielded their eyes, and much to the angel’s surprise, he heard her voice booming out. She sounded mad.

“Eve. You have disobeyed my one and only rule and eaten the forbidden fruit. You and Adam are no longer welcome here. You must leave this garden and survive on your own outside these walls. Now go, you cannot stay here any longer!”

Cassiel was shocked, as was Adam. The two shared a look, before running towards the peach tree. Cassiel noticed a bird disappear into the trees, and Eve standing next to the peach tree. She dropped the pit of the peach she had eaten, looking at Adam tearfully. 

“I-I didn’t know!” She sobbed, running up to Adam and clinging to him. “I thought it would be okay, I didn’t think she would banish me! W-What am I going to do?” 

Adam sighed heavily, unsure of what to do. Cassiel had a bit of a plan though, and from seemingly nowhere he pulled a flaming sword, passing it to Adam. 

“You two can’t be here anymore, but I can at least give you this for protection,” He told them. Adam nodded solemnly. 

“Thank you.”

“Don’t mention it. Now follow me, quickly, I can help you escape.” He took Eve by the hand, quickly running through the foliage until they reached the edge of the garden. He took a deep breath, and with as much strength as he could muster, punched the wall. 

Part of it crumbled, a narrow hole giving way to the outside desert. Cassiel peered out, and upon noticing nothing dangerous nearby, stepped to the side. “You two can leave through here. Protect each other, the sword should help.” The two humans nodded, looking at each other, before stepping outside. 

Cassiel watched as they left, sighing softly to himself. He stepped outside the wall now, carefully picking up the stones and rubble and fixing the wall. Once he was satisfied with how it looked, he stepped away, dusting himself off. A blinding light caught him off guard, and he quickly pressed his back against the wall, wringing his hands nervously.

“Cassiel,” The voice said, sternly. He gave a weak smile. 

“Er, yes, Almighty?” He asked meekly. 

“Where is the flaming sword I gave you? To protect the garden?”

“Oh! Er...the...big...fiery...sharp..cutty thing? Uh… Uhm..” He went through the motions of ‘looking’ for the sword. “Oh..well, er...It..looks like I must have..left it in the garden somewhere! I-I’ll find it, don’t worry! It’s bound to be here somewhere!” Before he’d even finished speaking, the light dissipated, and he no longer felt watched. He sagged in relief, slipping back into the garden now. He sighed, running a hand through his hair. This was not going to be good. Everything was going to change now. He liked the garden though, He didn’t want to have to leave it yet. 

As he walked, his foot brushed against something. Glancing down, he realized it was the pit from the peach Eve had eaten. He bent down, inspecting it for a moment. He then walked over to the pond where he and Adam had been sitting by, and cleaned the seed in it. Once he was satisfied, he rolled it around in his hands. He didn’t know what he’d do with it, but he knew he wanted to keep it. 

In an instant, he felt someone stand next to him. Surprised, he glanced over. 

Zira had transformed into his..well, more human form, watching the angel. When the redhead looked at him, he stared back. He didn’t say anything, didn’t ask anything, just...stared at him. And Cassiel stared back. After a few moments of this, the demon grinned. He lifted a peach, from the tree, Cassiel realized, and, without breaking eye contact bit into it. He chewed slowly, like he was savouring it, and his grin returned. Before Cassiel could even ask or do anything, He stepped into the shadows of the trees, disappearing like nothing had happened, and Cassiel was left standing there staring at where he had just been. He didn’t know what any of that had been about, but his curiosity had been piqued. He wondered if he’d had something to do with Eve’s disobedience. 

There was no one there to answer his question.


	2. Chapter 2

The tavern was loud, filled with people looking for a good time after a long day of...well, doing whatever it is they did during the day. Zira didn’t really care what they did beyond what he personally was involved in. All he knew was it was crowded, and the people he was hanging out with in the corner of the room were very hard to hear. It was making it very hard to finish his task this time. But the alcohol kept coming, and he wasn’t the one paying for it so he’d endure it a little longer. 

He watched yet another pair of fighting drunkards get thrown out of the bar, smirking, before turning back to his companions.

“Anyway, as I was saying, this guy, Caesar right? If you guys wanna do it, you gotta make sure a bunch of you commit to it, if you don’t it won’t go down so well for you. Strength in numbers, and all that.” One of the men, Brutus, Zira thought his name was, hummed in agreement. 

“You think so? I mean...I have no doubt my companions would be willing to commit to the idea, but I feel like the more that know about it, the more likely someone is to bring it up to Julius himself. We’ll all get caught.” Zira smiled.

“Oh, don’t worry about that bit. This guy’s been pissing off my associates, I can handle anyone who tries to rat on you. You just need to worry about the whens and hows.” Brutus mulled it over, glancing at his friends, they talked quietly amongst each other, before one of them nodded, and Brutus conceded. “Alright, fine. We’ll pay you handsomely, once this succeeds. We can go over the finer details some other time, but I want you at every gathering. Can’t be too careful.”

“Pleasure doing business with you,” The demon hummed, pleased with himself, before downing the rest of his drink. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

Cassiel wandered the streets of Rome. He was tired after a long day of helping people, not that he disliked it, per se, just that it had taken a lot of energy to deal with some of his newfound boss’ demands lately. They were rather commanding, and kept him busy for days on end with no chance for rest. Granted he was an angel, he didn’t need rest, but it would be nice to be able to sleep in or see the city without the Archangel Beledonel constantly checking up on him and assigning him more miracles and blessings. 

Today he’d rushed through most of his duties, excited at the prospect of winding down at one of the newer taverns that everyone had been raving about. Apparently it had a lovely view of the hills, and he fully intended on taking advantage of that. 

However when he stepped in, it was much more crowded and rowdy than he'd imagined. His nose crinkled in distaste, stepping around a group of people and taking up a spot near the front of the bar. He smiled awkwardly at the barkeep. 

"Hello, um, may I get a-" He was surprised when he sensed someone not entirely human. He glanced around, bewildered, until he caught sight of a vaguely familiar blond. He was in a corner of the bar, whispering to his companions. Then, his attention shifted, and the two locked eyes. 

The demon smirked at him, waggling his fingers and mouthing a 'hello'. He then turned back to his companions, mumbled something, and the group stood, making their way out of the tavern. The demon followed close behind, shooting the angel a wink. 

That..irritated Cassiel. He frowned contritely. With a minor miracle, he turned attention away from himself. He was in heaven rather quickly after that, twiddling his thumbs nervously as he stood in front of his newly-appointed boss. 

"Well, I wasn't expecting you to turn up here for at least another year or so," his superior, Beledonel, one of the Archangels, said with an air of boredom. "This had better be worth my time."

Despite how small the other angel was in comparison to himself, Cassiel still found himself to be rather intimidated. He swallowed hard, before clearing his throat. 

"Er, I think it would be worth noting. There's a demon, I don't know who he is. But he was with me in the Garden, in the beginning."

"And?" 

"Well...I saw him again. Just now. He was with some humans, whispering to them, no doubt tempting them to sin. I...well I thought you should be made aware of it. It doesn't seem like a coincidence to have been near me. Maybe he's undoing the good I'm trying to do?"

"Well, is he bothering you?" They asked impatiently. That took him back a little. 

"..um..if he's undoing my own work, then yes? Shouldn't we be smiting them down or something? That is our whole thing, is it not?" Beledonel rolled their eyes. 

"Right, of course, I'll just drop everything to go give a demon a stern talking-to because you're too soft to do it." 

Cassiel bristled at that. "Well, that's hardly what I meant. I just figured that there's a better chance of him listening to you than to me, seeing as he's trampling all over my territory." 

"Fine. I'll see to it shortly. In the meantime, keep an eye on him. If he does anything, you know, major, let me know. For now I have more pressing matters."

"A-Alright," the redhead mumbled, nodding respectfully, before dissipating back down to earth. He sighed in exasperation. They always talked down to him, he hated it. But, hopefully they would actually follow through with what they'd said. In the meantime, he'd do as they said and watch the demon closely.

Zira parted ways with his newfound 'friends', agreeing to meet in a different tavern a week from now to finalize their plans of assassination. Zira was in a fairly good mood, pleased by what temptation was bringing them. Maybe he'd even be given a commendation for his work. The thought pleased him. 

He was a bit surprised, however, when he seemed to bump into someone. "Hey, outta the way, kid-" he was caught by surprise when he recognized the stranger as an angel, a powerful but short one at that. And they were glaring at him irritatedly. 

"So, you're the one who's been stalking Cassiel," they noted, sizing him up. The demon raised a brow. 

"Who? Sorry, I don't have time for this. Maybe pick on someone your own size, kiddo." That seemed to piss them off even more.

"Excuse me? Do you know who you're speaking to? I am Beledonel, Archangel of-" 

"Yeah yeah, you're God's chosen one, you're so righteous and holy, blah blah blah," the blond drawled, waving them off dismissively. "I have more important things to do besides babysit. Maybe go back and sit on a cloud for a bit longer or something." He pushed them out of the way, ignoring the death-glare and noise of protest they made. He had more important things to deal with than this pipsqueak. 

Cassiel was tucked away around a corner, watching the two talk. He was surprised at the audacity of the demon. He wouldn't be caught dead speaking to Beledonel in such a way, but, he supposed that was just the way demons were, going against angels' demands. Still, it was...odd to see an Archangel disrespected like this.

Zira caught sight of the redhead. He grinned at him, winking at him. Seemed like no matter where he went, the angel was too. This was making things rather interesting. 

He was cut out of his thoughts, however, by a loud CRACK behind him. He turned around and, before he could make heads or tails of what was happening, searing, blinding pain overtook him. He fell to the ground heavily, writhing and shrieking in pain, trying to cover himself. He'd experienced pain before, he remembered the fall quite clearly after all, but nothing as bad as that. This though, this came uncomfortably close. Pain was radiating from his face, his eye in particular, and it felt like he was being burned. He was vaguely aware of the Archangel talking, but couldn't think clearly enough to follow. 

Cassiel watched on in horror. He didn't know what he'd expected Beledonel to do, but..certainly not this? Was this really part of an Angel's job? It made him feel a little sick and awful to think about. 

Beledonel lifted their arm, ready to strike again, when in a flash of smoke, another demon appeared between the two. He straightened his coat, smiling sleezily at the angel. 

"Well, I understand the whole 'divine punishment' bit, but I'm gonna have to stop you there." The demon reached out to shake the other's hand. They didn't accept, simply cocking their eyebrow at him. 

"And you are..?" 

"Ah, my bad. Allow me to introduce myself as Azazel. Prince of Hell. I know all about you. You take your job quite seriously. It's impressive, I must say. I need this one. He's rather important."

"And? Your point?" Beledonel asked, gesturing for the demon to get to the point. Azazel cleared his throat awkwardly. 

"Right. You let him off the hook, we let your angel subordinate off the hook for tattling. Sound fair? You leave him alone, we leave Ginger over there alone."

Beledonel glanced at Cassiel, who shrank back from their stare. They mulled over the offer, before extending a hand to the demon. "Alright, fine. You have a deal."

"Excellent!" Azazel exclaimed, clasping their hand in his and shaking, before returning to Zira's side. He'd quieted down, but he was shaking now, sweating as his face continued to burn like nothing he'd ever felt before. He gripped onto Azazel's arm tightly. "We'll be taking our leave now. Ciao!" And with a snap of his fingers, the two demons were gone. Cassiel let out an unnecessary breath he didn't even know he was holding, stepping out to rejoin Beledonel. 

"Er..what now?" 

"What happens now," the Archangel said. "Is you continue to do as you're instructed. You are to report any suspicious behaviour directly to me. And you tell not a single. Soul. About that exchange. Do you understand?" 

Cassiel hesitated, but nodded. Who was he to question an Archangel? "Yes, understood."

"Good. Get back to work." And with that, Beledonel was gone as well, and Cassiel was left to himself and his anxieties. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! Hope y'all enjoy, there's more to come!

**Author's Note:**

> Nephy and I are working together to write out her Ineffable Disaster AU, so here we are ♡ I haven't written very much all in..god I don't even know how long it's been since I worked on a series. I'm really excited to be working on this with her! Hope you all enjoy! ♡


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